Sunday, January 17, 2010

Like to have childfree life after 4 years of marriage,how can I explain and win such right?

i am 44 ,husband 57,and I have decided that a childfree life will be better for me,but husband totally doesnt agree. He wants to argue with me or wants me to explain to many of his friends and relatives.because he thinks i am wrong to extreme. He wants people to change me ,he even went to my church to tell my pastor i am such a bad lady who doesnt have concept for family. how can i protect myself?Like to have childfree life after 4 years of marriage,how can I explain and win such right?
This is why such a major decision (and private) should be discussed PRIOR to marriage. Too many people are wrapped up in the love and romance that they do not sit down and discuss the serious subjects like having children.





I would tell him straight out you do not want children and list the reason(s) why. He is your husband and he should love and respect you. If he cannot respect your wishes on this subject and is ';gossiping'; about you and this subject he is showing very little respect.





I think the two of you should go and seek some marriage counseling from your pastor or another professional if he feels it is fine to go to your pastor on his own and discuss this issue with him. I would explain to him that his talking to almost anyone who will listen (it seems) that you do not wish to have children is a betrayal of your trust and marriage. Ask him how he would feel if you told everyone who would listen, something that is meant to be private, just between the two of you, and about him.





Do not let yourself be ';talked into,'; threatened into,'; ';bullied into,'; ';tricked into (putting a pinhole in a diaphragm or condom, hiding your pills, tampering with your birth control in any way),'; ';forced into,'; etc. having a baby. It will be unfair to you and to a child if you have a baby that is unwanted.





I am very fortunate my parents adopted my sister and brother, both unwanted by their parents. Even growing up in a loving home they both had periods of self-doubt regarding their worth because their birth parents had not wanted them. Today, adults, with families of their own, they no longer question ';why?'; when it comes to their adoption.





You could also use the facts of your ages to help him understand why you do not wish to have children. He would be approaching 78 or so (if you had a child in the next 1-2 years) when the child graduated from high school and approaching 82/83 when the child graduated university; that is if dad were still alive or if the child was able to go to college and not have to postpone going to care for his/her aging parents.





My own children had friends with parents 80 or so as they graduated from high school and even though I knew these people were their parents the children were so embarrassed by having white-haired parents, they needlessly lied to me, telling me they were actually grandparents. This was not like one or two kids pretending; it was easily a dozen.





My own nephew (ex husband's sister's child) has asked me to go to the school on parent-teacher night and ';pretend'; I am his mom or to go to special events ';as his mom.'; The truth is my sil had children only a few years behind me but she was 20 years older and now she is just too tired, approaching 70, to do most things, and his dad, who would be 82, died a few years ago due to a heart attack.





I had gone to college, grad school, and was ABD when I married. My husband and I had been together all through our years of schooling and we both decided we wanted two children and we wanted them to be 2-3 years apart. We discussed this before getting married. Sadly our marriage did not last but we have remained very close in a platonic way.





I hope you are able to resolve this between the two of you. Sometimes issues cannot be resolved. if he is adamant about having a child and you are not there may be a brick wall that is too high to climb between the two of you.Like to have childfree life after 4 years of marriage,how can I explain and win such right?
Fortunately, age is on your side. You may not be able to get pregnant, but if you do, the risks of mental and physical deformities are very high. Not to mention there is a chance that you may not even live through a high-risk pregnancy. Have that discussion with your husband.





More importantly, do you think you can live with his mental abuse? No husband should be bad-mouthing his wife to friends, family and clergy. He has no respect for you or your relationship. Your friends/family have no say in your decision to have kids or not.





Screw him and have an IUD implanted.
Your 44 and people want you to have children now?


Your husband has to calm down. Did you get married promising you would try to have children? If so I can understand why he is upset but calling out everyone to berate you is not cool.





I would explain to people that you do not feel capable of taking care of children and you feel it would be wrong to put children in that position. If they don't get it it's their problem. I have three kids of my own and unless you are 100% committed to the task DO NOT have them. I love mine and have sacrificed more than the average American to be with them. I will say that it can make you a much better person but the amount of effort to care for them physically and mentally is A LOT.
My Aunt and Uncle never had children, that's your right. Maybe he's the part of your life that needs to change since he's got such a problem with how your feelings. He wants you to explain this to other people? Wow, what a jerk. You shouldn't HAVE to explain your choices to anybody, not even him in this case. Why does he want to be a father at 57 years old? My opinion? You need someone more understanding and compatible, he's not the man, sorry to say that, but life is to short to live it with the wrong person dear. Take care and good luck,
you only have to except yourself if your hubby has true love for you in his heart..he would want you to be happy...love is not supposed to make you feel sad or bad or guilty..what person would want to make someone stay out of guilt?you don't have to win or lose...your heart is telling you listen to it.he may be very afraid of change at his age...and you aren't i'm 41 and am finally happy with my life..it took that long...don't run out of time..don't look back and say what if's or coulda shoulda woulda..i'm sure your a little afraid too..but wanting to take that leap of faith.too see what's out there.if it's truely what you want then follow it..god close's one door but alway's open's another sometime's it's truely amazing good luck however it turn's out for you
He is definitely not the right age to have kids!! Adopt a teenager or something... my dad was 39 when I was born. He turned 60 this year while I turned 21, I'm worried as hell he won't live to see me receive my doctorate, get married, or maybe even meet his grandchildren. Speak logically with your husband, if he has a kid with you at his age he will be close to 80 when his son/daughter turns of age for college. How will you guys afford it? If he doesn't turn back... look seriously into adoption, maybe then you can satisfy his need for a child.
you probably should have discussed this before marriage. if you just now realized you don't want kids, that's pretty stupid on your part because you're 44 and have had plenty of time to think about it. are you sure you don't want kids? pretty soon it will be too late and you won't be able to have any, it's already pretty late in the game for you. maybe i'm just saying this because i can't wait to get married and have babies...
Wow..thats alot of convincing he is trying to do. Well i don't know about kids at your age..do you really wanna be 48 and pregnant. That has to be a vey high risk pregnancy.





Either way there is this thing that you can use that is basically birth control for up to five years...don't know much about it.. saw it in a commercial at a hospital





http://www.mirena-us.com/freedomofmirena鈥?/a>
You already have the right to not be a parent (birth or adoptive.) Do not allow anyone to force motherhood upon you. Your husband is bullying you and inciting others to bully you as well. That's not a healthy relationship, perhaps you should suggest marriage counseling.
if he's that bad...sneak. drop the subject...get fixed without telling him. blame it on bad eggs later...liek..hmm oh well...i cant get pregnant anyway so whatever....





%26amp; the thing is...getting fixed can usually be udnone depending on what type of operation you get.





or you can just stash birth control pills in your purse %26amp; take them when you're alone. (make sure your pruse has a secret compartment on ly you know about in case he's goes snooping.
This is something y'all should have discussed BEFORE marriage.





Divorce seems the only way out of this.





Your hubby sounds kind of like a jerk, unless you agreed before marriage that having kids was in your future.
dont fall pregnant and dont be bullied in to bringing children in to the world if your utmost care is not going to be given if your hearts not in it dont do it
Do some Yoga with your hubby. It will be beneficial for both of you.
You married him for better or for worse so what the F the problem?????
I am important and my opinion is worth a lot
yes

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