Childfree woman married a man who wants to be a dad. Their marriage is breaking.?

Consider this scenario:


A man is crazily in love with his girlfriend. He proposes as soon as they are done with medical college. Her only condition at the time of proposal was: Children will not be involved. Although he would have liked a few, he loved her too much to let her go. Three years down the road: Both are full-time doctors and make plenty of money, take vacations often, go on dates all the time, are very engaged in volunteer work and have the perfect life. But family, friends, collegues are now asking THE question. Husband's feelings of being a dad are reignited. Everyone is pestering the wife about her ';selfishness';, about how she is depriving everyone of the joy of children, about how she should take time off her career and start trying for a family, and how she'll regret it later. But the wife had made this decision when she was a teen. Her reasons are:


1. Severe tokophobia. She has terrible fear of pregnancy and childbirth. She cannot stand the idea of pregnancy and theChildfree woman married a man who wants to be a dad. Their marriage is breaking.?
Even if her reason was just ';I don't want kids'; and she told him ahead of time, that's that.





No, others didn't break up the marriage. He did, by not honoring his word. Pressure after she's ';locked in'; is unfair.





I'd be telling people where they could head in if they attempted to instruct me about why I should have children.





They should sit down and discuss where they are with this. It is grossly unjust for her to be pressured over a PREDISCLOSED, AGREED UPON condition -- no kids.Childfree woman married a man who wants to be a dad. Their marriage is breaking.?
Look into adoption, especially an automatic adoption from birth. There is also the option of finding a seragent mother to carry a fertilized egg if she wants a child to be biologically hers (a woman who will carry her child for her while they cover the pregnancy costs for her time). And she should tell people to stop pestering her, it's her life and her husband knew that going into it I bet so they will have to figure it out for themselves.
This is kinda crazy, but it hasn't been mentioned yet so I thought I'd throw it out there.





All of the married but childless couples I know have dogs or cats and are really into them. So perhaps the couple could get a dog or a pet of some sort so the husband has something to baby and care for and it wouldn't be such a strain on the woman's life. I know a baby and a pet aren't the same thing, but maybe this could satisfy some of the husband's feelings. I also agree with the counseling suggestion--I think that would help.
Are you this ';wife';?
Counseling. That entire scenerio fits my marriage, minus the doctor part, vacations, money....but the rest of it fits.
It wasn't a bunch of outsiders ruining their marriage. She told her husband very clearly that she never wanted to have kids, he should have made the decision right then and there that she was not the right woman for him to spend the rest of his life with (considering that his ';ideal'; woman would have to be one who shares his dream of parenthood).


She
they are both wrong to have married each other with such different opinions on parenthood. besides why should it matter what everyone thinks...the important issue is what does the couple feel and how can they resolve this issue...no good will come from letting the world dictate ones feelings.
Sure, the solution is for the wife to tell each of the friends that they are ruining her marriage and the next time this subject is brought up or even implied, the ';friend'; will have no contact with her for 6 months. If it is brought up twice, there will be no contact for a year, etc. She should try to get the husband to agree to the ban as well.
Why did this couple get married if they disagreed on kids. The wife should have her tubes tied. Maybe the husband can donate his sperm and know that he DNA is out their somewhere. This will go no-where. The wife should stay with the husband until he decides that he can take no more. It's really his decision he knew what he was getting into. Having kids is not easy... been very hard on me and my health hasn't been the same. My life has changed drastically too (and not for the better). Of course I'd do it over again but... if you are certain you don't. Having children will be an absolute nightmare.
Conflicts about having children is one of the most difficult problems that a couple can face. It can cause severe difficulties in a marriage and is sometimes the cause of a divorce. Of course it makes it more difficult if others stick their nose in it and don't let the couple make their own decisions. Some people don't want kids. If that is right for them, no one should tell them they're being selfish.





In this situation, I think it would be best if they go to joint couple counselling. If the wife really does not want kids at all, she should not be forced to. She will become resentful and if she doesn't want the kids, after they come along, their marriage problems will not get better and will only get worse. Divorce or marital trouble over this problem would be bad but if kids are involved and it puts further strain on the relationship it would be worse.





I would advise them to go to counselling and see what can be done. Would she be okay with adoption? or is she really against having any children? Based on what you've written she does not want any kids, adopted or her own. If she feels that strongly about it, having children to make her husband happy would only make the problem in their marriage worse. Is he going to be able to stay in the relationship if there are no kids? Love is important and it is hard to face, but sometimes the problems a couple has and the different things that they want in their lives can not be overcome with love. It isn't always enough to make a relationship work unfortunately. This is a situation that they will need to talk to someone about as it will put a serious strain on their relationship and they need to talk to an impartial counsellor who can listen to them both and see if their marriage can be saved in a way that they can both be happy in the relationship..
Strangers can't ruin a happy marriage, and neither can anyone else...





People are intrusive when they ask personal questions... and asking someone if or when they are going to have kids is a blatent invasion of privacy. It's no one's business whether they are going to have kids or not!





If Mary and John don't have kids, and i know Mary and John personally, their lack of children is not a life-altering situation for me.... I don't see how people have such nerve.





If the husband and wife you are speaking of can't agree, then i guess they need to find partners more suitable? or else, go back to their original agreement about marriage and kids.... and STOP LETTING OTHERS INFLUENCE their PERSONAL LIVES...





people are so dumb.
If a woman does not want to have children, she has that right. Just because a woman has the ability to conceive and bare a child, does not mean she must or has to. That's insane. I think if the woman had children and really did not want to in the first place, would be a detriment to the child that is born. No child deserves to be born into this world to someone that does not want him/her. No child! If for some reason down the road she changed her mind but was not fertile anymore, she could always adopt. My aunt did and she can't even have kids.





I would say the woman keeps her stance if that is how she feels and let others say what they wish. They're being selfish in trying to coerce her into having children when the woman simply does not want that. Maybe she should ask these opinionated people why they would want her to have children when they would not be wanted. Whatever the woman's reasoning for not wanting kids is hers and if the husband knows she is strong in her decision, he's going to have to make the choice to stay and not be a father or move on to someone else. Just my opinion.
He wants to be a father, but loves his wife. There is nothing wrong with either. She fears childbirth and rearing, understandable.





If they both want to stay in their marriage, perhaps they need to meet in the middle? I know there is so much to this situation, but perhaps one option is to adopt? There are so many older children in foster homes, that would do anything to have a family.
I think everyone should mind their own business, and maybe the husband and wife should both make this point clear. Before marriage the wife made her intentions very well know and the husband agreed. He should not now be trying to change her mind. Instead he should be standing by her and supporting her. I do not see where this is negotiable in any way at this point. I have a daughter who is in pre-med and feels the same way. I sure hope people do not try to put this kind of pressure on her. If any of the family did I know I would be all over them telling them to mind their own business as she knows what she wants.
Not all women are meant to be mothers and I applaud the ones who know they have no business reproducing.





This woman is married to an incredibly selfish immature man who allowed other people's opinions ruin his life. Frankly she should leave him and find someone with some self respect.





He agreed to something and since he now wants to change his mind, he married her under false pretenses. She said no kids and he agreed. I don't care what her reasons are, she said no and that's the end of it.





I hope she gets everything.
If he isn't willing to make sacrifices for kids then he has no place to ask her to. If kids are that important to him he should have been honest before they were married.
He is an idiot, he does not know what he wants.
Adoption.


She's Helping him.


And Taking one less needy child off the streets.
They shouldn't be married. They have two opposing viewpoints. She shouldn't force him to be childless and he shouldn't force her to have a child. It's time for these two to move on to more compatible partners. This is more than just a disagreement, it's a fundamental difference in what each wants from life.
This is part of where the Bible talks about being unevenly yoked. The husband knew coming into this marriage that there would not be children. PERIOD!!!


Now if he wants to change the arrangement, he needs to change his wife. He should sit down and talk with her like both are intelligent people and come to a decision together. Either adopt a child, or get a divorce. This means the wife will not have to give birth or take time off of work to breastfeed. An infant will be given a good home. They can hire a nanny to take care of the mother's part and he can play Dad all he wants. If the wife is not willing to help raise the child or adopt, then it is time for a new wife. Many women are now opting for no children. There is no reason she should have to change her lifestyle or the things she likes to do just to accommodate him when this was decided years ago. Good Luck, and happy adoption or divorce whichever you decide. (and it is your decision, not the general public)
He has the right to change his mind. It sounds like you have a mental problem that needs to be treated. As a Dr. you should want to explore the cause of your feelings.


If not, this marriage is over. People's priorities change. His have.