Why won't my husband stand up for OUR childfree lifestyle?

Over dinner with my husband last night, I was discussing a trip he will be taking out of the country for his nephew's Christening (Baptism? Whatever, the Catholic one). I'm unable to go, but I told him ';You have fun dodging the inevitable ';when are you going to have kids?'; questions. He told me, ';I've been pretty good at it so far.'; I asked what he meant, and this is the story.





We live about 300 miles away from our hometown, where his parents live. He visits them often, and usually without me because someone has to stay with the cats (they won't let us bring them). Apparently, his parents do keep bringing up the kids questions, and all he replies is, ';We aren't going to have kids.'; His parents say something about, ';Oh, you'll change your mind,'; and he doesn't say anything back. He could easily kill all this by just telling them I had my tubes tied, or even discussing further with them our decision. There's no need for them to keep bothering us about it, or for them to keep wondering. Let them get the disappointment over with already. But, he doesn't.





The thing that worries me is that I'm the one who pretty much decided to be childfree. I told him before we got married that I had no plans to have kids, so if he wanted them then he shouldn't marry me. He said that was okay with him, he didn't much like them anyway. So, I thought we were on the same page. I know his parents think it's all me, and I'm this horrible woman who stole their son and is refusing to give him children.





The thing is, I don't know if I should be annoyed at him for not standing up for me, and what is essentially his decision too because he chose to marry me. Or, if I should be concerned, and take his reluctance to stand up for me, for US, as his silent way of saying he thinks he made a mistake? Why won't he say anything, and how am I supposed to feel about this?Why won't my husband stand up for OUR childfree lifestyle?
He's just avoiding the inevitable. My husband will not tell his mother how he really feels about a lot of the things she says. He feels that she won't be around forever, so why upset her. He really is NOT anything like that with me! I know his every opinion. I think it's just a mom and son thing. As far as how you should feel, no one can tell you how to feel, all you can do is react appropriately to those feelings. If you've already told him to say something to his mom, and he won't, then don't worry about it. If they say something to you about it, tell them that both of you discussed it before you got married, and you both agreed. Emphasize BOTH so they'll get the hint. Otherwise, just let them wish and hope. Those are their feelings and they can't help them either.Why won't my husband stand up for OUR childfree lifestyle?
Perhaps he doesn't say anything more than ';We aren't going to have kids.'; because he doesn't feel any need to justify his position to his parents or any one else? That ';that is it, end of discussion';?
parents always want grandkids to spoil. you could always tell them yourself that you aren't having any kids if it really bugged you. and he tells them that you aren't having kids so i don't see what the problem is.
i think you are blowing this out of proportion. it doesn't seem to me that they are attacking you or him.





they are just being parents.





he says, you two don't plan on having kids.





what else do you want, lady?
As a 43-year old man with two teen boys who are almost off to college, I can sympathize just a teeny bit with their disappointment. Children are amazing things - they make me feel immortal, as if some of my hard work and way of looking at life will endure through them.





But, you absolutely have a 100% right to your own point of view. This shouldn't be a point of debate at all. This is just a guess - but I think your husband might be having doubts. Men don't like to argue if they aren't solidly behind the argument - they'd rather just leave it alone. You might need to discuss this with him, to make sure he's on the same page still.
Stop making such a big deal out of this. He probably just doesn't want to get into a big old hassle about it. I know from experience that sometimes its best just to let family members think what they're gonna think. After all, it sounds like it's like it's HIM they're nagging, not YOU. Then, he's got YOU giving him a bad time about not wanting to argue about it. It's not like he's pressuring YOU to get pregnant, so don't worry about it.





It's not really up to you or him to change his family. After all, there are worse things they could be doing, and I think you are being overly sensitive.
You sound pretty sure about your mind regarding this. He probably says nothing to you because of that. I think he's probably thinking he made a mistake, especially if he never thought of giving up having children before you told him you didn't want any. Does he have nieces and nephews? Do his best old friends have children? He's probably feeling like he does want children but doesn't know how to tell you or if he should tell you at all. I don't think you should be annoyed, he has a mind and heart instead or rocks, if he changed his mind is not because he decided to go against you. I say you rather talk to him and forget about the parents because just as you feel they influence them, they feel you influence their son and be honest, you probably do. Find out your husband's mind, be sensitive to his needs and open to his right to change his mind. It might not be any easy for him, he probably thinks he could loose you over this issue...Good luck.
Your body. Your choice. Why don't YOU be the big girl here and just tell them YOURSELF? I guess I don't see the big monster-ish problem here.


If they don't know they are NEVER going to be grandparents by YOU, of course they're going to keep dropping hints. The next time they say something within earshot of you; take your poor husband off the friggin hook and just TELL THEM ALREADY -- end of story.





Whether or not they like you is another issue altogether, but THIS problem is one you can just be done with.
this issue has little to do with you and him or him and his parents. this issue is between YOU and his parents. the fact that you use the cat as an excuse to stay home when he visits (and it's just an excuse and a lousy one at that) tells the whole story. you are in conflict with their belief system and you haven't given up the battle. you want HIM to so all of the dirty work here while you hide at home, and on top of that you want to blame HIM for ';not standing up for you'; which you know is bunk.





you will have to deal with this yourself as it's YOUR problem and NOT his.
He probably just doesn't want to deal with the big scene that he knows they are going to start when they find out you had your tubes tied! Not that I can say I blame him, but they are going to find out sooner or later anyway! Might as well just get it over with.
Did you guys get married kind of young? That sounds like the issue. You can be okay with that kind of decision at one point and then change your mind. Maybe he wanted kids and thought he'd be able to change you or that y'all could adopt and this is his way of telling you?





I would just tell him how you feel.
I am child-free and had a vasectomy at the age of 21. I have discovered that keeping my mouth shut is the best thing when it comes to my child-free status. You should do the same unless you just plan want to be hated. He is avoiding a pointless confrontation that would likely end his relationship with them. Trust me I know all about this.





I was the one fixed in several of my relationships that were slit by pressure from my in-laws. Parents that want to be grandparents do not accept the child-free lifestyle.
in a Catholic family/marriage you are to have children. his parents are already disappointed enough knowing that he tells them - we aren't having children. that is like a slap in the face to them.


is he to spit in their face too? by telling the you've had your tubes tied, you are doing just that. since you aren't the one who has to face them -- your cats are obviously more important that family - don't worry about it. your husband is handling it quite well.





obviously he loves his parents very much and doesn't want to disappoint them even more. it's called respect.
There's no reason for you not to travel together because of cats, there are places you can leave them you know. I had a well trained, very beloved predigree g.s. dog and I have left him at appropriate kennels. Some vets have facilities for them. It seems to me infants do matter to your husband he's going all that way to be at the baptism.[infant baptism isn't even biblical but that's another story]


Sounds like he comes from a very family oriented background. He also may feel diferently as time goes by-he may feel in a few years he's missing out on things. I would travel with him if I were you--keeping you home because of cats is a flimsy, foolish excuse for him to go 'home' alone. Worse case scenerio-someday in the future-he gets a young girl pregnant. He'll say 'she doesn't mean a thing to me! I agreed WE wouldn't have kids but this was an 'accident'.' Sounds unlikely? but life happens.
ease up, he doesnt want to disappoint his parents, and then he is in conflict with not disappointing you. sounds like a man stuck in the middle. dont keep putting him there.


let them think whatever, and you two should enjoy your own lives.
Ironic but its disheartening to disappoint parents. Even though we do it mostly all the time. I think its better to just not say anything. They're not going to change their mind and thinking...and just to avoid an argument. Its not like he's not standing up for u. But the way his parents seem like...they seem pretty stubborn. Stubborn people can't be dealt with by talking back to them lol it'll end up into a brawl.





I know from my parents. If I say one thing to my mom that she don't wanna hear or listen. She'll fire back for hours with stupid stupid irritating voice...so just not saying anything and walking away is the best way. Haha. Yea thats my reason. Give him the benefit of the doubt.
Well he is telling them that you have decided not to have children, so I wouldn't say he isn't sticking up for you at all. He's probably just trying to avoid the aggravation of getting into an endless argument about it with his family. If it continues to bother you then just talk to him about it and see what his thoughts are on the subject.
Maybe he is just reluctant to tell his folks the truth because it will hurt and mystify them. Being Catholic, this may be a majjor blow to them and he just doesn't have the courage. I don't think it's really a matter of standing up for you it's deeply disappointing his parents . Of course this isn't fair to her, if grandchildren are not to be, he should tell them now or rather should have told them when you had your tubes tied. Thet could have taken her a lot easier then, now they also have his lies of ommission to contend with too.You need to talk to him, not about standing up for you, but the effect this is having on his parents and how much more unfair it becomes as time goes on. Does he tell his friends that you have had your tube ties, when they ask about when you'll have children. If so, maybe he finds it hard to talk about personal things. Whatever his reason he is being disrespectful to his parents. Both of you should go to a marriage counselor and get to the bottom of whatever is keeping him from telling them the truth. The news really needs to come from her, if you tell them they will blame you even more.