Ok, if you seen my last question about me not liking kids, now this is about the parents.
I resent parents and wannabes because they like ot judge alot. They always judge childfree people (like me), telling us we're too young, we'll change our mind, we're selfish, arrogant, we'll go to hell, we're gay.
Anyone who has a problem with childfree people, they deal with me! So is it normal to hate parents for their hostility and disrespect against childfree people and their choices and decisions?
Note: I'm sorry, I'm just so frustrated right now.Is it normal to hate parents for their hostility against the childfree?
The poster who's a mother of two does not know what it's like to be childfree and harassed or ridiculed for your choice. I've heard it all over the years (I'm in my 40's and still ecstatically childfree) and it can be extremely frustrating and annoying. I don't hate parents like that, I just avoid them whenever possible.
Some of them are probably either jealous or threatened by the fact that other people made a different choice and didn't follow the ';life script.';Is it normal to hate parents for their hostility against the childfree?
I'm 27 years old and I don't have children by choice. But I don't hate parents and their children. Everyone is different and there are actually children out there who know how to act in public. The only problem I have with being single and childless is that I sometimes feel like everything is against me. I get the most taxes taken out of my checks and hardly receive it back during tax time. There are no programs out there that help with health or dental insurance. But the bright side is that I don't have to look for a babysitter to go out and get to spend my disposable income on shoes and clothes. So, do hate just live life the way you chose to live it.
It seems quite OK to have strong feelings about parents who dont accept a persons'/couples decision to remain childfree. What this boils down to is that MOST parents dream of having grandkids. This is normal, really. When the parents expectations are clearly not going to be met, they may become hostile. This is clearly a reflection of their inability to accept and therefor support the choice of their own child. It is also a reflection of their own maturity. They'll ';get over it'; or not. Be true to your own convictions.
This is YOUR life.
I am the mother of 2 children and I know exactly what you are talking about that. Mothers especially are so competative and critical with each other you wouldnt believe. It is a club you dont want to be a part of. (not being a mother but the ';mom'; club.) I notice that a lot of people do that to single people too ';when are you gonna get married'; that kind of stuff. Some people are so miserable with the decisions that they made that they want to make others feel bad. Others want to play the ';perfect parent'; ';perfect wife'; role. You are not selfish I admire you for doing what you want to do.
no i guess not parents always want the best for us i no for my lil one1 i do u are the only 1 who nos if they want kids i cant see y u dont like kids tho thts harsh !! really harsh! prehaps u have a reason i dont no :s , it duznt matter if uve got kids or not every 1 2 there own and im sure ull have a just as fufilled life as some 1 with children , u make ur life what u want to x
no man. your perfectly normal. No one should ever train there state of thinking it's today's world of ,money and entertainment that leads people to believe they need to change but they don't.
Monday, May 10, 2010
How do I counter criticism and denial for my being childfree?
I've been childfree ever since I could remember, and though I've thought about what my life would be like if I DID have children, it never appealed to me, nor did I ever come close to changing my mind.
Yet I keep hearing the same CRAP from the same stupid people. Crap like ';Oh, you'll change your mind!'; and ';ALL WOMEN WANT CHILDREN!!!!!1!';
How do I get them to stop?
Additionally, a lot of people have confused my wanting to be childfree with not wanting to get married or being a hard-*** career woman. Not true- I really DO want to get married (to a childfree man) and am looking to pursue a pretty modest career. Is this some sort of stereotype I'm unfamiliar with?How do I counter criticism and denial for my being childfree?
I'm sorry you're going through this. Some people are just rude and ignorant and think that everyone HAS to think like they do.
Hopefully those that are close to you understand your feelings and respect them. If the people bothering you are strangers or people who otherwise don't know you very well, then who cares what they think?
Some people you just won't be able to stop. When they say, ';Oh, you'll change your mind,'; just politely say, ';Sure, maybe'; and change the subject.
For the really rude ones... next time someone asks you why you don't want children, look at them wide-eyed, then burst into tears and tell them that when you were 14 a Dr. told you that you had fertility issues and would never be able to have kids. That ought to shut them up :) But then, I'm a bit of a smart aleck sometimes!How do I counter criticism and denial for my being childfree?
You're also supposed to diet constantly and when you get married put your career on the backburner and put your husband's career first.
It's just one of those things you have to say, ';Screw you'; to and walk away. There are a lot of men and women working diligently to dispel these myths. It's a slow battle.
I'm sorry you're dealing with these people. I'm childfree and I faced the same kind of harassment from these breeders.
Just don't say anything to the breeders and you won't have a problem.
I personally find childfree women attractive. I love them. I would love to marry a childfree woman.
They do it to men as well. Most of the time they call us “gay”, “communist”, or “impotent”. I get so irritated with the titles. I have found that HR will not help.
I just think of something “witty” to say back. Usually I say something that they have to think about in order to understand. That makes them angry because they have to take the time to think about it.
girl, don't worry about what people say, It is none of their dam bussiness! You can't get them to stop, so next time just don't talk about it or change the subject. and if they continue just tell them you don't want to have children and that they are offending you.
It's such a thing all women endure these people... simply don't respond you are better than this judgmental person. So you don't want kids there is nothing wrong with that- the people that are pushing that stuff are just thoughtless and they don't really deserve a response. I would just look at them strangely and laugh then walk away.
Just be up front and honest by telling them yes u want to marry %26amp; have a career but it does not include children. Its none of their business why u don't want kids %26amp; u shouldn't have to defend your decision not to have any
Not all woman want to be mothers and some mothers should never have had children point that out to them.
You know your own mind
I sympathize with you.
It's even worse when you are married. Hubby and I have been married for almost 16 years and his family is finally starting to understand that we are never having children.
I too have heard the same presumptuous, condescending lines from family and friends. Unfortunately, you can't stop them from being obnoxious. We live in a pronatalist society that assumes every woman wants children. Some people don't even think of having children as optional...they think it's something they're ';supposed'; to do! Absurd, isn't it?
The best response to smile and ignore their presumptions. If you really feel the need to respond, politely tell them that parenting is a life long, irreversible responsibility of which you have no interest.
Yet I keep hearing the same CRAP from the same stupid people. Crap like ';Oh, you'll change your mind!'; and ';ALL WOMEN WANT CHILDREN!!!!!1!';
How do I get them to stop?
Additionally, a lot of people have confused my wanting to be childfree with not wanting to get married or being a hard-*** career woman. Not true- I really DO want to get married (to a childfree man) and am looking to pursue a pretty modest career. Is this some sort of stereotype I'm unfamiliar with?How do I counter criticism and denial for my being childfree?
I'm sorry you're going through this. Some people are just rude and ignorant and think that everyone HAS to think like they do.
Hopefully those that are close to you understand your feelings and respect them. If the people bothering you are strangers or people who otherwise don't know you very well, then who cares what they think?
Some people you just won't be able to stop. When they say, ';Oh, you'll change your mind,'; just politely say, ';Sure, maybe'; and change the subject.
For the really rude ones... next time someone asks you why you don't want children, look at them wide-eyed, then burst into tears and tell them that when you were 14 a Dr. told you that you had fertility issues and would never be able to have kids. That ought to shut them up :) But then, I'm a bit of a smart aleck sometimes!How do I counter criticism and denial for my being childfree?
You're also supposed to diet constantly and when you get married put your career on the backburner and put your husband's career first.
It's just one of those things you have to say, ';Screw you'; to and walk away. There are a lot of men and women working diligently to dispel these myths. It's a slow battle.
I'm sorry you're dealing with these people. I'm childfree and I faced the same kind of harassment from these breeders.
Just don't say anything to the breeders and you won't have a problem.
I personally find childfree women attractive. I love them. I would love to marry a childfree woman.
They do it to men as well. Most of the time they call us “gay”, “communist”, or “impotent”. I get so irritated with the titles. I have found that HR will not help.
I just think of something “witty” to say back. Usually I say something that they have to think about in order to understand. That makes them angry because they have to take the time to think about it.
girl, don't worry about what people say, It is none of their dam bussiness! You can't get them to stop, so next time just don't talk about it or change the subject. and if they continue just tell them you don't want to have children and that they are offending you.
It's such a thing all women endure these people... simply don't respond you are better than this judgmental person. So you don't want kids there is nothing wrong with that- the people that are pushing that stuff are just thoughtless and they don't really deserve a response. I would just look at them strangely and laugh then walk away.
Just be up front and honest by telling them yes u want to marry %26amp; have a career but it does not include children. Its none of their business why u don't want kids %26amp; u shouldn't have to defend your decision not to have any
Not all woman want to be mothers and some mothers should never have had children point that out to them.
You know your own mind
I sympathize with you.
It's even worse when you are married. Hubby and I have been married for almost 16 years and his family is finally starting to understand that we are never having children.
I too have heard the same presumptuous, condescending lines from family and friends. Unfortunately, you can't stop them from being obnoxious. We live in a pronatalist society that assumes every woman wants children. Some people don't even think of having children as optional...they think it's something they're ';supposed'; to do! Absurd, isn't it?
The best response to smile and ignore their presumptions. If you really feel the need to respond, politely tell them that parenting is a life long, irreversible responsibility of which you have no interest.
I am Currently on Depakote 250mg. I am pondering becoming childfree. I need Advice!?
I am going to be straight up. Ive had seizures since 1999. I am currently on Depakote 250 mg twice a day. Currently the depakote has been controlling my seizures very well. I have the typeof seizures that are aggrivated by lack of sleep, which I have heard that children don't let you sleep much if at all. This comes from ppl I know who have children...they tell me this...
Depakote causes severe birth defects that can include death in 1% of births....which is too much of a risk for me. I like the way that depakote controlls my seizures and don't want to switch meds to some unknown that may not control them as well. If I have a seizure it means lifestyle and driving restrictions, which I refuse to give up.
Consequently, I am considering the possibility of not having children.
I need advice on this please!!!I am Currently on Depakote 250mg. I am pondering becoming childfree. I need Advice!?
It appears that you have done your research somewhat. However, do not base your decision upon fears. Keep researching. Children are born with birth defects all the time from unknown reasons. That is just the risk that is taken when you decide to have children. On the other hand, there are many, many children who need a good, loving parent, that are past the *don't let mommy and daddy sleep* stage. Basically, you CAN still have children, you just choose not from your uterus! lol Good Luck in your decision!I am Currently on Depakote 250mg. I am pondering becoming childfree. I need Advice!?
The best thing would be to talk to you doctor and also get a second maybe a third opinion. Babies do keep you awake the have to eat about every two hours
CONSULT YOUR DOCTOR NOT A BUNCH OF WEB GEEKS.
This may be difficult for you as you are converting yourself from ';Childless'; to ';Child-free';. There is a big difference you must understand. ';Childless'; means you could not or decided not to have children due to circumstances like health, etc. ';Child-free'; people choose to not have children because they just plan don't want them. ';Child-free'; people are sometimes a little ego-centric about their choice. Many may be somewhat offended if you say you are ';Child-free because of health';. You might find that you don't fit well with ';Child-free'; people for this reason.
Either way you are wise to choose the path of caution. You could have a perfectly health baby, and turn out to be a great mom, but the odds are not in your favor. I suggest that it is better to error on the side of caution. I stand behind you on this.
I have 2 girls who are 3.5 %26amp; 5. They do sometimes make it hard to get enough sleep but all kids are different %26amp; it depnds on how much help you would be getting from a spouse or other helpers as to how har it would be on you.
You can also train your baby from a very early age to be on your schedule. So if you stay up late just because it is you %26amp; the sleep late, you can put your baby on your schedule.
I know lots of people who have always worked 3rd shift %26amp; their whole family is on that schedule, kids too! The only thing you would have to worry about is when they go to school. But you could just homeschool them.
Depakote causes severe birth defects that can include death in 1% of births....which is too much of a risk for me. I like the way that depakote controlls my seizures and don't want to switch meds to some unknown that may not control them as well. If I have a seizure it means lifestyle and driving restrictions, which I refuse to give up.
Consequently, I am considering the possibility of not having children.
I need advice on this please!!!I am Currently on Depakote 250mg. I am pondering becoming childfree. I need Advice!?
It appears that you have done your research somewhat. However, do not base your decision upon fears. Keep researching. Children are born with birth defects all the time from unknown reasons. That is just the risk that is taken when you decide to have children. On the other hand, there are many, many children who need a good, loving parent, that are past the *don't let mommy and daddy sleep* stage. Basically, you CAN still have children, you just choose not from your uterus! lol Good Luck in your decision!I am Currently on Depakote 250mg. I am pondering becoming childfree. I need Advice!?
The best thing would be to talk to you doctor and also get a second maybe a third opinion. Babies do keep you awake the have to eat about every two hours
CONSULT YOUR DOCTOR NOT A BUNCH OF WEB GEEKS.
This may be difficult for you as you are converting yourself from ';Childless'; to ';Child-free';. There is a big difference you must understand. ';Childless'; means you could not or decided not to have children due to circumstances like health, etc. ';Child-free'; people choose to not have children because they just plan don't want them. ';Child-free'; people are sometimes a little ego-centric about their choice. Many may be somewhat offended if you say you are ';Child-free because of health';. You might find that you don't fit well with ';Child-free'; people for this reason.
Either way you are wise to choose the path of caution. You could have a perfectly health baby, and turn out to be a great mom, but the odds are not in your favor. I suggest that it is better to error on the side of caution. I stand behind you on this.
I have 2 girls who are 3.5 %26amp; 5. They do sometimes make it hard to get enough sleep but all kids are different %26amp; it depnds on how much help you would be getting from a spouse or other helpers as to how har it would be on you.
You can also train your baby from a very early age to be on your schedule. So if you stay up late just because it is you %26amp; the sleep late, you can put your baby on your schedule.
I know lots of people who have always worked 3rd shift %26amp; their whole family is on that schedule, kids too! The only thing you would have to worry about is when they go to school. But you could just homeschool them.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Does race really have anything to do with being childfree?
I'm black and childfree by choice. A while ago, a family member told me that if I don't have kids, the black race will decrease. What the hell?? What does race have to do with being childfree?
Also as a black guy, I find white girls more attractive and if I were to have a intimate/long-term relationship with one, I never want kids in the relationship, just the two of us. No prejudice involved, but I'm not too crazy about kids. Now I know most women want kids, sadly.
Does race really have anything to do with being childfree and looking for a(n) intimate/long-term relationship with someone of another race but never have kids?Does race really have anything to do with being childfree?
Tell your thoughtless family member that you and your friends (white, black, brown, etc) didn't know we were competing to make the most babies. Maybe your family member needs to think about educating his or her children rather than making more of them.
I guess your relative would say all the white men that date black women are doing some kind harm to the black race. I may have it all wrong but I think that all women (regardless of race) like to be loved. What is wrong with that?
I am white and most of my black friends are educated. Guess what. Most of my white friends are educated as well.
I think there are more child free white people, but that is just a coincidence. I have met quite a few black child free people.Does race really have anything to do with being childfree?
I am white and dont' want kids! I know so many white people that are not having kids so tell our family member that the race wont die out because you don't want kids. tell them to stop living your life. i think your smart to not want kids. they are a life long issue that lots of people having kids probablly wish they would have not.
nope. all you have to do is find someone who thinks like you do.
tell your family member black people (or any people for that matter) won't disappear if a few decide not to reproduce.
I'm white ( so is my husband ) and we are childfree. Nothing to do with race.
Your family member is an idiot. White people are actually the minority on a global scale, not that white people will disappear if a few of us stop breeding. Race should have nothing to do with being childfree. It's just a choice that responsible adults sometimes make when they realize that they don't have the time nor the resources or are morally opposed to reproduction.
I'm a married, white, childfree woman and my husband is white as well, but I'll just let you know that whatever colour my husband's skin is makes little difference to me, then again, I'm not American and I know a lot of people are ignorant there. You'll find someone. Just be honest about your desire not to have children and consider getting a vasectomy. This way no woman will ever think she can change your mind and while you should continue to use condoms until you're in a monogamous relationship, if you get a vasectomy you're less likely to accidentally have sex with an irresponsible woman who will choose to have an unwanted children.pimple
Also as a black guy, I find white girls more attractive and if I were to have a intimate/long-term relationship with one, I never want kids in the relationship, just the two of us. No prejudice involved, but I'm not too crazy about kids. Now I know most women want kids, sadly.
Does race really have anything to do with being childfree and looking for a(n) intimate/long-term relationship with someone of another race but never have kids?Does race really have anything to do with being childfree?
Tell your thoughtless family member that you and your friends (white, black, brown, etc) didn't know we were competing to make the most babies. Maybe your family member needs to think about educating his or her children rather than making more of them.
I guess your relative would say all the white men that date black women are doing some kind harm to the black race. I may have it all wrong but I think that all women (regardless of race) like to be loved. What is wrong with that?
I am white and most of my black friends are educated. Guess what. Most of my white friends are educated as well.
I think there are more child free white people, but that is just a coincidence. I have met quite a few black child free people.Does race really have anything to do with being childfree?
I am white and dont' want kids! I know so many white people that are not having kids so tell our family member that the race wont die out because you don't want kids. tell them to stop living your life. i think your smart to not want kids. they are a life long issue that lots of people having kids probablly wish they would have not.
nope. all you have to do is find someone who thinks like you do.
tell your family member black people (or any people for that matter) won't disappear if a few decide not to reproduce.
I'm white ( so is my husband ) and we are childfree. Nothing to do with race.
Your family member is an idiot. White people are actually the minority on a global scale, not that white people will disappear if a few of us stop breeding. Race should have nothing to do with being childfree. It's just a choice that responsible adults sometimes make when they realize that they don't have the time nor the resources or are morally opposed to reproduction.
I'm a married, white, childfree woman and my husband is white as well, but I'll just let you know that whatever colour my husband's skin is makes little difference to me, then again, I'm not American and I know a lot of people are ignorant there. You'll find someone. Just be honest about your desire not to have children and consider getting a vasectomy. This way no woman will ever think she can change your mind and while you should continue to use condoms until you're in a monogamous relationship, if you get a vasectomy you're less likely to accidentally have sex with an irresponsible woman who will choose to have an unwanted children.
My husband wants to divorce me because i want childfree,should i agree?
i am 44,he 57 ,married 4 years,he said if i dont want child,he decides to divorce because it's not fair for him. He said i am a mentally sick woman,every woman wants child,except me. He said i put my life at risk now to refuse to have child for him.
what is the best way to handle this more peacefully?My husband wants to divorce me because i want childfree,should i agree?
Tell him he was born in the ice age, and welcome his divorce. You are not mentally sick, and no, not ';everyone'; wants one.
Tell him you welcome putting your life at risk and you don't need him. He's thickheaded there is no ';peaceful way';, he's obviously got a huge ego and wants to show it off to the world.My husband wants to divorce me because i want childfree,should i agree?
I guess the real question is did either of you discuss the possibility of having children before you got married, and what were your expectations, and did either or both of you make that known?
If he entered the marriage knowing that you didn't want children, and accepted that, and married anyway, then he is now at fault, because he wants to change the things you two had agreed to, and planned on.
If you knew that he wanted children, and you did not, and you did not tell him, in order to be married anyway, then you were at fault.
If neither of you brought this particular subject up before getting married then you are both at fault, for not having sorted out such a major issue before making the commitment.
Can your marriage get past this? Not if you both feel strongly about your point. It is too big an issue.
I think maybe I wouldn't give him a child, as you both are too old,you need to send him to a shrink, inform him of the facts of life, if we start now, hes 58 when the baby is 1, when the child's 10, and wanting to explore life riding bikes, etc, hes 68, and slowing down preferring to watch football, when the child is 15, in her teens, he is 78, and hasn't a chance of taking her to the fun parks in Queensland, forget Disneyland.He will be far better, to get in the real world, and start booking holidays, to Bali, Fiji, hong kong, where you both can have a ball and enjoy life.
If he is stuck in a groove, it could be a good to to reevaluate your life, and book yourself on a holiday to Bali, and maybe leaving him behind, might make the bum wake up, if not move on
This should have been discussed and resolved before your marriage. If you two can't do counseling, then, you may want to give him his divorce. After all, why would you bring a child into a home where they're half wanted. This would be an unhappy environment to bring a child up, and the marriage would be destroyed anyway before they are grown. Tell him to bring over his niece or nephews or friends kids when he has that farther feeling, and they may help change his mind. At least you can take them back to their parents once he figures out his selfish actions.
Not wanting a child does not make you mentally sick. I know women (and men) who don't want to have children. And that's just fine.
If I was married to someone who considered my lifestyle choices ';mentally sick';, I probably wouldn't want to be married to that person.
How is your relationship otherwise? How do you feel about him? Maybe it's worth trying couple counseling. Maybe counseling could show he can channel his father instinct other ways, such as coaching a sport, mentoring, --- by the way, Big Brother Big Sister organization always needs men who want to be a ';big brother'; to a little child without a good father figure.
And, hey, what's that about saying you put your life at risk? Is he threatening you???
Having children is not for every woman and their is nothing wrong with that. You can't be a good mother to a child you never wanted to have.
You were 40 when he married you. For most women that is too old to start a family for many reasons.
Didn't the two of you talk about having children BEFORE you got married? You should have.
What makes him think that he should have children, when he is 57 years old? When that child is 20 he will be 77.
What does he mean when he says you put your LIFE AT RISK NOW to refuse to have a child for him??? Is he threatening to kill you?
I would think twice about staying with a man who threatens my life in anyway, if I won't give him a child when I'm 44 years old.
Forget about handling this in a more peaceful way. Just run for the hills, girl! You don't need this kind of abuse. Yes this qualifies as abuse.
This is an issue you need to discuss BEFORE you get married.
You're not mentally sick for not wanting to have children. But if he wants children and you don't, then let him go. This is not an issue you can compromise on--you can't have half a child. Either way you go, someone in the relationship will be unhappy.
If you live in the US, he can get a divorce rather you agree to it or not.
First, you are NOT mentally sick. You are doing the right thing to not have a child if you do not want to be a Mother. Second, this is a major conflict of interests in a marriage, and you two probably should go your separate ways. There is, unfortunatly, no compromise on this. There is no ';meet in the middle';.
I am sorry to hear that you both have different opinions when it comes to having children.Only you two know exactly whether you are ready to bring in a new life.It is a serious commitment and decision.If that really matters that much to him, I feel you should let him go,unless you both can reach a really good and reasonable compromise.
Uh? He is mental. Asking a women in her mid forties to bare a child. Totally nuts!
At 44 you actually have a harder time with pregnancy than at an earlier age. (Including your own health) and your child has a higher risk of birth defects.
Furthermore he is dead wrong! Not every woman wants a child. I don't and quite a few of my friends down'
If you don't want a child then you don't want a child. Maybe you should be the one to ask for a divorce since he treats you like a breeding machine. Also at 57 he is also very old to be a father.
If you both have your minds set, then you should probably divorce. This was a discussion best suited before you got married.
what is the best way to handle this more peacefully?My husband wants to divorce me because i want childfree,should i agree?
Tell him he was born in the ice age, and welcome his divorce. You are not mentally sick, and no, not ';everyone'; wants one.
Tell him you welcome putting your life at risk and you don't need him. He's thickheaded there is no ';peaceful way';, he's obviously got a huge ego and wants to show it off to the world.My husband wants to divorce me because i want childfree,should i agree?
I guess the real question is did either of you discuss the possibility of having children before you got married, and what were your expectations, and did either or both of you make that known?
If he entered the marriage knowing that you didn't want children, and accepted that, and married anyway, then he is now at fault, because he wants to change the things you two had agreed to, and planned on.
If you knew that he wanted children, and you did not, and you did not tell him, in order to be married anyway, then you were at fault.
If neither of you brought this particular subject up before getting married then you are both at fault, for not having sorted out such a major issue before making the commitment.
Can your marriage get past this? Not if you both feel strongly about your point. It is too big an issue.
I think maybe I wouldn't give him a child, as you both are too old,you need to send him to a shrink, inform him of the facts of life, if we start now, hes 58 when the baby is 1, when the child's 10, and wanting to explore life riding bikes, etc, hes 68, and slowing down preferring to watch football, when the child is 15, in her teens, he is 78, and hasn't a chance of taking her to the fun parks in Queensland, forget Disneyland.He will be far better, to get in the real world, and start booking holidays, to Bali, Fiji, hong kong, where you both can have a ball and enjoy life.
If he is stuck in a groove, it could be a good to to reevaluate your life, and book yourself on a holiday to Bali, and maybe leaving him behind, might make the bum wake up, if not move on
This should have been discussed and resolved before your marriage. If you two can't do counseling, then, you may want to give him his divorce. After all, why would you bring a child into a home where they're half wanted. This would be an unhappy environment to bring a child up, and the marriage would be destroyed anyway before they are grown. Tell him to bring over his niece or nephews or friends kids when he has that farther feeling, and they may help change his mind. At least you can take them back to their parents once he figures out his selfish actions.
Not wanting a child does not make you mentally sick. I know women (and men) who don't want to have children. And that's just fine.
If I was married to someone who considered my lifestyle choices ';mentally sick';, I probably wouldn't want to be married to that person.
How is your relationship otherwise? How do you feel about him? Maybe it's worth trying couple counseling. Maybe counseling could show he can channel his father instinct other ways, such as coaching a sport, mentoring, --- by the way, Big Brother Big Sister organization always needs men who want to be a ';big brother'; to a little child without a good father figure.
And, hey, what's that about saying you put your life at risk? Is he threatening you???
Having children is not for every woman and their is nothing wrong with that. You can't be a good mother to a child you never wanted to have.
You were 40 when he married you. For most women that is too old to start a family for many reasons.
Didn't the two of you talk about having children BEFORE you got married? You should have.
What makes him think that he should have children, when he is 57 years old? When that child is 20 he will be 77.
What does he mean when he says you put your LIFE AT RISK NOW to refuse to have a child for him??? Is he threatening to kill you?
I would think twice about staying with a man who threatens my life in anyway, if I won't give him a child when I'm 44 years old.
Forget about handling this in a more peaceful way. Just run for the hills, girl! You don't need this kind of abuse. Yes this qualifies as abuse.
This is an issue you need to discuss BEFORE you get married.
You're not mentally sick for not wanting to have children. But if he wants children and you don't, then let him go. This is not an issue you can compromise on--you can't have half a child. Either way you go, someone in the relationship will be unhappy.
If you live in the US, he can get a divorce rather you agree to it or not.
First, you are NOT mentally sick. You are doing the right thing to not have a child if you do not want to be a Mother. Second, this is a major conflict of interests in a marriage, and you two probably should go your separate ways. There is, unfortunatly, no compromise on this. There is no ';meet in the middle';.
I am sorry to hear that you both have different opinions when it comes to having children.Only you two know exactly whether you are ready to bring in a new life.It is a serious commitment and decision.If that really matters that much to him, I feel you should let him go,unless you both can reach a really good and reasonable compromise.
Uh? He is mental. Asking a women in her mid forties to bare a child. Totally nuts!
At 44 you actually have a harder time with pregnancy than at an earlier age. (Including your own health) and your child has a higher risk of birth defects.
Furthermore he is dead wrong! Not every woman wants a child. I don't and quite a few of my friends down'
If you don't want a child then you don't want a child. Maybe you should be the one to ask for a divorce since he treats you like a breeding machine. Also at 57 he is also very old to be a father.
If you both have your minds set, then you should probably divorce. This was a discussion best suited before you got married.
Does race really have anything to do with being childfree?
I'm black and childfree by choice. Someone told me that if I don't have kids, the black race will decrease. What the heck?? What does race have to do with being childfree?
Also as a black guy, I prefer to date interracially. If I was to go long-term with a white girl, I wouldn't want kids in the relationship. Not becayse they'll be mixed, I'm just not too crazy about kids. Now I know most women want kids, sadly.
Does race really have anything to do with being childfree and looking for a(n) intimate/long-term relationship with someone of another race but never have kids?Does race really have anything to do with being childfree?
The person who told you that is clearly someone you don鈥檛 need to be listening to.
I suppose if I marry a black woman I am hurting your race as well huh (sarcasm)? I guess that makes me terrible if I love her and treat her like a princess. Shame on me!
The USA is overpopulated, and so is much of Asia, India, and most of Africa. So I don鈥檛 see how you are harming anyone by not having children. Actually someone told me that the birth rate for blacks is much higher in the USA than for whites, so I don鈥檛 think you are doing any harm to your race.
Again why is it a completion? The landfills are full of diapers, the water is polluted and the air is full of smog. Do you think the diapers, water, and air care what color you are? No the Earth is in big trouble, and we are all humans. We are all in trouble regardless of who it is that is making too many babies.Does race really have anything to do with being childfree?
Sweetie,I don't think race has anything to do with it. We have ignorant people of all colrs make comments like that. If whites keeps dating blacks and making kids there will be no more whites and blah blah blah. I'm white and have a black husband with 3 mixed children. There is no such thing as a ';pure'; race. Anyone in America is mixed with something. I'm not sure where you live but its pretty much that way worldwide. I think you're doing the right thing,there are way too many children in this world already who have no parents. Do what makes you happy and shrug off that ignorant statement that anyone says to you.
I don't believe so. There are some people who think that if their race doesn't carry on having kids it could die out. Ok. But to me, if a person wants to stay child-free it's their choice.
I agree with the geneology bit.
I agree with the first part, the second part I just want you to know as a man if you don't have Children you are killing your whole genealogy which is pretty sad but think about it OK my brotha!!!!
Also as a black guy, I prefer to date interracially. If I was to go long-term with a white girl, I wouldn't want kids in the relationship. Not becayse they'll be mixed, I'm just not too crazy about kids. Now I know most women want kids, sadly.
Does race really have anything to do with being childfree and looking for a(n) intimate/long-term relationship with someone of another race but never have kids?Does race really have anything to do with being childfree?
The person who told you that is clearly someone you don鈥檛 need to be listening to.
I suppose if I marry a black woman I am hurting your race as well huh (sarcasm)? I guess that makes me terrible if I love her and treat her like a princess. Shame on me!
The USA is overpopulated, and so is much of Asia, India, and most of Africa. So I don鈥檛 see how you are harming anyone by not having children. Actually someone told me that the birth rate for blacks is much higher in the USA than for whites, so I don鈥檛 think you are doing any harm to your race.
Again why is it a completion? The landfills are full of diapers, the water is polluted and the air is full of smog. Do you think the diapers, water, and air care what color you are? No the Earth is in big trouble, and we are all humans. We are all in trouble regardless of who it is that is making too many babies.Does race really have anything to do with being childfree?
Sweetie,I don't think race has anything to do with it. We have ignorant people of all colrs make comments like that. If whites keeps dating blacks and making kids there will be no more whites and blah blah blah. I'm white and have a black husband with 3 mixed children. There is no such thing as a ';pure'; race. Anyone in America is mixed with something. I'm not sure where you live but its pretty much that way worldwide. I think you're doing the right thing,there are way too many children in this world already who have no parents. Do what makes you happy and shrug off that ignorant statement that anyone says to you.
I don't believe so. There are some people who think that if their race doesn't carry on having kids it could die out. Ok. But to me, if a person wants to stay child-free it's their choice.
I agree with the geneology bit.
I agree with the first part, the second part I just want you to know as a man if you don't have Children you are killing your whole genealogy which is pretty sad but think about it OK my brotha!!!!
Why won't my husband stand up for OUR childfree lifestyle?
Over dinner with my husband last night, I was discussing a trip he will be taking out of the country for his nephew's Christening (Baptism? Whatever, the Catholic one). I'm unable to go, but I told him ';You have fun dodging the inevitable ';when are you going to have kids?'; questions. He told me, ';I've been pretty good at it so far.'; I asked what he meant, and this is the story.
We live about 300 miles away from our hometown, where his parents live. He visits them often, and usually without me because someone has to stay with the cats (they won't let us bring them). Apparently, his parents do keep bringing up the kids questions, and all he replies is, ';We aren't going to have kids.'; His parents say something about, ';Oh, you'll change your mind,'; and he doesn't say anything back. He could easily kill all this by just telling them I had my tubes tied, or even discussing further with them our decision. There's no need for them to keep bothering us about it, or for them to keep wondering. Let them get the disappointment over with already. But, he doesn't.
The thing that worries me is that I'm the one who pretty much decided to be childfree. I told him before we got married that I had no plans to have kids, so if he wanted them then he shouldn't marry me. He said that was okay with him, he didn't much like them anyway. So, I thought we were on the same page. I know his parents think it's all me, and I'm this horrible woman who stole their son and is refusing to give him children.
The thing is, I don't know if I should be annoyed at him for not standing up for me, and what is essentially his decision too because he chose to marry me. Or, if I should be concerned, and take his reluctance to stand up for me, for US, as his silent way of saying he thinks he made a mistake? Why won't he say anything, and how am I supposed to feel about this?Why won't my husband stand up for OUR childfree lifestyle?
He's just avoiding the inevitable. My husband will not tell his mother how he really feels about a lot of the things she says. He feels that she won't be around forever, so why upset her. He really is NOT anything like that with me! I know his every opinion. I think it's just a mom and son thing. As far as how you should feel, no one can tell you how to feel, all you can do is react appropriately to those feelings. If you've already told him to say something to his mom, and he won't, then don't worry about it. If they say something to you about it, tell them that both of you discussed it before you got married, and you both agreed. Emphasize BOTH so they'll get the hint. Otherwise, just let them wish and hope. Those are their feelings and they can't help them either.Why won't my husband stand up for OUR childfree lifestyle?
Perhaps he doesn't say anything more than ';We aren't going to have kids.'; because he doesn't feel any need to justify his position to his parents or any one else? That ';that is it, end of discussion';?
parents always want grandkids to spoil. you could always tell them yourself that you aren't having any kids if it really bugged you. and he tells them that you aren't having kids so i don't see what the problem is.
i think you are blowing this out of proportion. it doesn't seem to me that they are attacking you or him.
they are just being parents.
he says, you two don't plan on having kids.
what else do you want, lady?
As a 43-year old man with two teen boys who are almost off to college, I can sympathize just a teeny bit with their disappointment. Children are amazing things - they make me feel immortal, as if some of my hard work and way of looking at life will endure through them.
But, you absolutely have a 100% right to your own point of view. This shouldn't be a point of debate at all. This is just a guess - but I think your husband might be having doubts. Men don't like to argue if they aren't solidly behind the argument - they'd rather just leave it alone. You might need to discuss this with him, to make sure he's on the same page still.
Stop making such a big deal out of this. He probably just doesn't want to get into a big old hassle about it. I know from experience that sometimes its best just to let family members think what they're gonna think. After all, it sounds like it's like it's HIM they're nagging, not YOU. Then, he's got YOU giving him a bad time about not wanting to argue about it. It's not like he's pressuring YOU to get pregnant, so don't worry about it.
It's not really up to you or him to change his family. After all, there are worse things they could be doing, and I think you are being overly sensitive.
You sound pretty sure about your mind regarding this. He probably says nothing to you because of that. I think he's probably thinking he made a mistake, especially if he never thought of giving up having children before you told him you didn't want any. Does he have nieces and nephews? Do his best old friends have children? He's probably feeling like he does want children but doesn't know how to tell you or if he should tell you at all. I don't think you should be annoyed, he has a mind and heart instead or rocks, if he changed his mind is not because he decided to go against you. I say you rather talk to him and forget about the parents because just as you feel they influence them, they feel you influence their son and be honest, you probably do. Find out your husband's mind, be sensitive to his needs and open to his right to change his mind. It might not be any easy for him, he probably thinks he could loose you over this issue...Good luck.
Your body. Your choice. Why don't YOU be the big girl here and just tell them YOURSELF? I guess I don't see the big monster-ish problem here.
If they don't know they are NEVER going to be grandparents by YOU, of course they're going to keep dropping hints. The next time they say something within earshot of you; take your poor husband off the friggin hook and just TELL THEM ALREADY -- end of story.
Whether or not they like you is another issue altogether, but THIS problem is one you can just be done with.
this issue has little to do with you and him or him and his parents. this issue is between YOU and his parents. the fact that you use the cat as an excuse to stay home when he visits (and it's just an excuse and a lousy one at that) tells the whole story. you are in conflict with their belief system and you haven't given up the battle. you want HIM to so all of the dirty work here while you hide at home, and on top of that you want to blame HIM for ';not standing up for you'; which you know is bunk.
you will have to deal with this yourself as it's YOUR problem and NOT his.
He probably just doesn't want to deal with the big scene that he knows they are going to start when they find out you had your tubes tied! Not that I can say I blame him, but they are going to find out sooner or later anyway! Might as well just get it over with.
Did you guys get married kind of young? That sounds like the issue. You can be okay with that kind of decision at one point and then change your mind. Maybe he wanted kids and thought he'd be able to change you or that y'all could adopt and this is his way of telling you?
I would just tell him how you feel.
I am child-free and had a vasectomy at the age of 21. I have discovered that keeping my mouth shut is the best thing when it comes to my child-free status. You should do the same unless you just plan want to be hated. He is avoiding a pointless confrontation that would likely end his relationship with them. Trust me I know all about this.
I was the one fixed in several of my relationships that were slit by pressure from my in-laws. Parents that want to be grandparents do not accept the child-free lifestyle.
in a Catholic family/marriage you are to have children. his parents are already disappointed enough knowing that he tells them - we aren't having children. that is like a slap in the face to them.
is he to spit in their face too? by telling the you've had your tubes tied, you are doing just that. since you aren't the one who has to face them -- your cats are obviously more important that family - don't worry about it. your husband is handling it quite well.
obviously he loves his parents very much and doesn't want to disappoint them even more. it's called respect.
There's no reason for you not to travel together because of cats, there are places you can leave them you know. I had a well trained, very beloved predigree g.s. dog and I have left him at appropriate kennels. Some vets have facilities for them. It seems to me infants do matter to your husband he's going all that way to be at the baptism.[infant baptism isn't even biblical but that's another story]
Sounds like he comes from a very family oriented background. He also may feel diferently as time goes by-he may feel in a few years he's missing out on things. I would travel with him if I were you--keeping you home because of cats is a flimsy, foolish excuse for him to go 'home' alone. Worse case scenerio-someday in the future-he gets a young girl pregnant. He'll say 'she doesn't mean a thing to me! I agreed WE wouldn't have kids but this was an 'accident'.' Sounds unlikely? but life happens.
ease up, he doesnt want to disappoint his parents, and then he is in conflict with not disappointing you. sounds like a man stuck in the middle. dont keep putting him there.
let them think whatever, and you two should enjoy your own lives.
Ironic but its disheartening to disappoint parents. Even though we do it mostly all the time. I think its better to just not say anything. They're not going to change their mind and thinking...and just to avoid an argument. Its not like he's not standing up for u. But the way his parents seem like...they seem pretty stubborn. Stubborn people can't be dealt with by talking back to them lol it'll end up into a brawl.
I know from my parents. If I say one thing to my mom that she don't wanna hear or listen. She'll fire back for hours with stupid stupid irritating voice...so just not saying anything and walking away is the best way. Haha. Yea thats my reason. Give him the benefit of the doubt.
Well he is telling them that you have decided not to have children, so I wouldn't say he isn't sticking up for you at all. He's probably just trying to avoid the aggravation of getting into an endless argument about it with his family. If it continues to bother you then just talk to him about it and see what his thoughts are on the subject.
Maybe he is just reluctant to tell his folks the truth because it will hurt and mystify them. Being Catholic, this may be a majjor blow to them and he just doesn't have the courage. I don't think it's really a matter of standing up for you it's deeply disappointing his parents . Of course this isn't fair to her, if grandchildren are not to be, he should tell them now or rather should have told them when you had your tubes tied. Thet could have taken her a lot easier then, now they also have his lies of ommission to contend with too.You need to talk to him, not about standing up for you, but the effect this is having on his parents and how much more unfair it becomes as time goes on. Does he tell his friends that you have had your tube ties, when they ask about when you'll have children. If so, maybe he finds it hard to talk about personal things. Whatever his reason he is being disrespectful to his parents. Both of you should go to a marriage counselor and get to the bottom of whatever is keeping him from telling them the truth. The news really needs to come from her, if you tell them they will blame you even more.
We live about 300 miles away from our hometown, where his parents live. He visits them often, and usually without me because someone has to stay with the cats (they won't let us bring them). Apparently, his parents do keep bringing up the kids questions, and all he replies is, ';We aren't going to have kids.'; His parents say something about, ';Oh, you'll change your mind,'; and he doesn't say anything back. He could easily kill all this by just telling them I had my tubes tied, or even discussing further with them our decision. There's no need for them to keep bothering us about it, or for them to keep wondering. Let them get the disappointment over with already. But, he doesn't.
The thing that worries me is that I'm the one who pretty much decided to be childfree. I told him before we got married that I had no plans to have kids, so if he wanted them then he shouldn't marry me. He said that was okay with him, he didn't much like them anyway. So, I thought we were on the same page. I know his parents think it's all me, and I'm this horrible woman who stole their son and is refusing to give him children.
The thing is, I don't know if I should be annoyed at him for not standing up for me, and what is essentially his decision too because he chose to marry me. Or, if I should be concerned, and take his reluctance to stand up for me, for US, as his silent way of saying he thinks he made a mistake? Why won't he say anything, and how am I supposed to feel about this?Why won't my husband stand up for OUR childfree lifestyle?
He's just avoiding the inevitable. My husband will not tell his mother how he really feels about a lot of the things she says. He feels that she won't be around forever, so why upset her. He really is NOT anything like that with me! I know his every opinion. I think it's just a mom and son thing. As far as how you should feel, no one can tell you how to feel, all you can do is react appropriately to those feelings. If you've already told him to say something to his mom, and he won't, then don't worry about it. If they say something to you about it, tell them that both of you discussed it before you got married, and you both agreed. Emphasize BOTH so they'll get the hint. Otherwise, just let them wish and hope. Those are their feelings and they can't help them either.Why won't my husband stand up for OUR childfree lifestyle?
Perhaps he doesn't say anything more than ';We aren't going to have kids.'; because he doesn't feel any need to justify his position to his parents or any one else? That ';that is it, end of discussion';?
parents always want grandkids to spoil. you could always tell them yourself that you aren't having any kids if it really bugged you. and he tells them that you aren't having kids so i don't see what the problem is.
i think you are blowing this out of proportion. it doesn't seem to me that they are attacking you or him.
they are just being parents.
he says, you two don't plan on having kids.
what else do you want, lady?
As a 43-year old man with two teen boys who are almost off to college, I can sympathize just a teeny bit with their disappointment. Children are amazing things - they make me feel immortal, as if some of my hard work and way of looking at life will endure through them.
But, you absolutely have a 100% right to your own point of view. This shouldn't be a point of debate at all. This is just a guess - but I think your husband might be having doubts. Men don't like to argue if they aren't solidly behind the argument - they'd rather just leave it alone. You might need to discuss this with him, to make sure he's on the same page still.
Stop making such a big deal out of this. He probably just doesn't want to get into a big old hassle about it. I know from experience that sometimes its best just to let family members think what they're gonna think. After all, it sounds like it's like it's HIM they're nagging, not YOU. Then, he's got YOU giving him a bad time about not wanting to argue about it. It's not like he's pressuring YOU to get pregnant, so don't worry about it.
It's not really up to you or him to change his family. After all, there are worse things they could be doing, and I think you are being overly sensitive.
You sound pretty sure about your mind regarding this. He probably says nothing to you because of that. I think he's probably thinking he made a mistake, especially if he never thought of giving up having children before you told him you didn't want any. Does he have nieces and nephews? Do his best old friends have children? He's probably feeling like he does want children but doesn't know how to tell you or if he should tell you at all. I don't think you should be annoyed, he has a mind and heart instead or rocks, if he changed his mind is not because he decided to go against you. I say you rather talk to him and forget about the parents because just as you feel they influence them, they feel you influence their son and be honest, you probably do. Find out your husband's mind, be sensitive to his needs and open to his right to change his mind. It might not be any easy for him, he probably thinks he could loose you over this issue...Good luck.
Your body. Your choice. Why don't YOU be the big girl here and just tell them YOURSELF? I guess I don't see the big monster-ish problem here.
If they don't know they are NEVER going to be grandparents by YOU, of course they're going to keep dropping hints. The next time they say something within earshot of you; take your poor husband off the friggin hook and just TELL THEM ALREADY -- end of story.
Whether or not they like you is another issue altogether, but THIS problem is one you can just be done with.
this issue has little to do with you and him or him and his parents. this issue is between YOU and his parents. the fact that you use the cat as an excuse to stay home when he visits (and it's just an excuse and a lousy one at that) tells the whole story. you are in conflict with their belief system and you haven't given up the battle. you want HIM to so all of the dirty work here while you hide at home, and on top of that you want to blame HIM for ';not standing up for you'; which you know is bunk.
you will have to deal with this yourself as it's YOUR problem and NOT his.
He probably just doesn't want to deal with the big scene that he knows they are going to start when they find out you had your tubes tied! Not that I can say I blame him, but they are going to find out sooner or later anyway! Might as well just get it over with.
Did you guys get married kind of young? That sounds like the issue. You can be okay with that kind of decision at one point and then change your mind. Maybe he wanted kids and thought he'd be able to change you or that y'all could adopt and this is his way of telling you?
I would just tell him how you feel.
I am child-free and had a vasectomy at the age of 21. I have discovered that keeping my mouth shut is the best thing when it comes to my child-free status. You should do the same unless you just plan want to be hated. He is avoiding a pointless confrontation that would likely end his relationship with them. Trust me I know all about this.
I was the one fixed in several of my relationships that were slit by pressure from my in-laws. Parents that want to be grandparents do not accept the child-free lifestyle.
in a Catholic family/marriage you are to have children. his parents are already disappointed enough knowing that he tells them - we aren't having children. that is like a slap in the face to them.
is he to spit in their face too? by telling the you've had your tubes tied, you are doing just that. since you aren't the one who has to face them -- your cats are obviously more important that family - don't worry about it. your husband is handling it quite well.
obviously he loves his parents very much and doesn't want to disappoint them even more. it's called respect.
There's no reason for you not to travel together because of cats, there are places you can leave them you know. I had a well trained, very beloved predigree g.s. dog and I have left him at appropriate kennels. Some vets have facilities for them. It seems to me infants do matter to your husband he's going all that way to be at the baptism.[infant baptism isn't even biblical but that's another story]
Sounds like he comes from a very family oriented background. He also may feel diferently as time goes by-he may feel in a few years he's missing out on things. I would travel with him if I were you--keeping you home because of cats is a flimsy, foolish excuse for him to go 'home' alone. Worse case scenerio-someday in the future-he gets a young girl pregnant. He'll say 'she doesn't mean a thing to me! I agreed WE wouldn't have kids but this was an 'accident'.' Sounds unlikely? but life happens.
ease up, he doesnt want to disappoint his parents, and then he is in conflict with not disappointing you. sounds like a man stuck in the middle. dont keep putting him there.
let them think whatever, and you two should enjoy your own lives.
Ironic but its disheartening to disappoint parents. Even though we do it mostly all the time. I think its better to just not say anything. They're not going to change their mind and thinking...and just to avoid an argument. Its not like he's not standing up for u. But the way his parents seem like...they seem pretty stubborn. Stubborn people can't be dealt with by talking back to them lol it'll end up into a brawl.
I know from my parents. If I say one thing to my mom that she don't wanna hear or listen. She'll fire back for hours with stupid stupid irritating voice...so just not saying anything and walking away is the best way. Haha. Yea thats my reason. Give him the benefit of the doubt.
Well he is telling them that you have decided not to have children, so I wouldn't say he isn't sticking up for you at all. He's probably just trying to avoid the aggravation of getting into an endless argument about it with his family. If it continues to bother you then just talk to him about it and see what his thoughts are on the subject.
Maybe he is just reluctant to tell his folks the truth because it will hurt and mystify them. Being Catholic, this may be a majjor blow to them and he just doesn't have the courage. I don't think it's really a matter of standing up for you it's deeply disappointing his parents . Of course this isn't fair to her, if grandchildren are not to be, he should tell them now or rather should have told them when you had your tubes tied. Thet could have taken her a lot easier then, now they also have his lies of ommission to contend with too.You need to talk to him, not about standing up for you, but the effect this is having on his parents and how much more unfair it becomes as time goes on. Does he tell his friends that you have had your tube ties, when they ask about when you'll have children. If so, maybe he finds it hard to talk about personal things. Whatever his reason he is being disrespectful to his parents. Both of you should go to a marriage counselor and get to the bottom of whatever is keeping him from telling them the truth. The news really needs to come from her, if you tell them they will blame you even more.
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